EMPTINESS

It's been four months when my father's death. Still struggling with this emptiness that I know me and my Jesus can solve this.  Four years ago, my father diagnose of End Stage Renal Disease, Secondary to Hypertensive Nephrosclerosis - On Hemodialysis and Hypertensive Ischemic Heart Disease. We were advised to continue the expensive hemodialysis medical treatment at least twice a week for him to recuperate from his health condition and I saw everything that my father been through. It was a toughest challenge in our family. I thought that was my purpose to take good care of him, my head was close to the possibility. I admit that I was tired physically and emotionally but never think to live him behind. I love my father so much. October 2015, My father rush to the hospital, Cardiac Arrest after weeks of medication, He was recovered, November 2015, Bleeding of his intestine and he recovered, December rest month my brother wedding month, father's dreamed about to walk on the aisle and God grant his petition miracle He was strong. January 2016 after the wedding, he became weak, January to March in and out at the hospital. March I prayed not my birth month and please one of my sibling will be here because I can't handle it all alone. It was granted my eldest brother went home. April 18, 2016, It was the end of the agony of my father. I will never forget March at the hospital he said that kiss ko tin, (my kiss tin) and I kiss her on his cheek and he whisper to me Palangga ta ka tin (I love you tin) and I say it back that I love him. I will never forget the one piece chicken his favorite at jollibee with sprite, his noise when he gets mad, his lecture about life. Other people say it was the best but for me I was shattered and don't now where to start my journey. My motivator, adviser, critic gone and now I'm struggling to rebuilt myself. 

I tried so hard to look forward and see the bright side of the world. I realize after someone death the living was having the hard time to recover. I know that it's natural to feel this way because we love and attach to something we cared about. I know that accepting the fact he's now happy without pain of medications etc. I should be happy that he is rest. I know that everything has its purpose.

Other don't understand me and I understand them because they never felt the way I felt. I never told anyone because at the end of it all they will judge me according to what they hear. I prefer to talk to my God Jesus and read bible and inspiring books that will help myself up. I listen to gospel songs, knowing that me and my God will fight for my battle inside me. I always ask for his wisdom, understanding and discernment to know what is good and bad. 

I will start with what I think and everything will follow. Answers is near to me and I know it. I accept the fact that I'm weak person that need to strengthen up but I wont rely on other people to regain myself, sounds like that I don't need anyone, it's not like that. In my personality, I prefer to be alone to sort out myself to think about what should I do in my whole life. I need to bring back the fire (motivation) to wake up each day with passion in everything I do. 

This day I wrote in my small notebook and its stated:

August 25, 2016

Dear Father:

I lost myself, I was drained, no motivation, no fire to push me forward. I was empty without plans, without anything that inspires me to wake up and move things up. I was stuck in a moment that even me tried to figure out what is wrong with me. After the death of my father, I was lost, clueless asking what should I do next? Where to start? I was empty handed. Even now still finding myself. My head and heart we're empty my life is empty. I look up and asking you to help me on this, I cannot do this all alone. I need you Father. Please give me wisdom, understanding and fire in my heart to look at the world differently with meaning. Father I'm searching for something now. What is my purpose that my father was gone? Father show me or lead me the way. 

after this I write down that pop up in my head as quickly.

SERVE OTHERS

LOVE OTHERS

HELP OTHERS

RESPECT OTHERS

INSPIRE OTHERS

LOVE YOURSELF SO OTHERS WILL LOVE YOU.

YOU WILL NEVER BE EMPTY WHEN YOU DO THIS ON EARTH.

After reading it, I realize that the real purpose will not vanish it all continues. He gave me answers right away. I replied: Thank you Father, I never think about that, Sorry about the things that I have done, I was looking at the wrong view of my life. My mind was clear now that I know that life purpose cannot be acquire but rather its all LOVE to others and myself.